His mercies are new every morning

I've been in a real funky mood about this process lately. I know it's ugly; I know if anyone has the right to be in a funky mood: it isn't me. How must those 147,000,000 orphans feel daily? I have 2 beautiful children, a wonderful husband who is my partner in this life, a house, 2 cars, and the many conveniences we have as Americans. I didn't struggle with infertility like so many of my friends have. We have wonderful extended families and a load of friends who bring so much joy to our lives. I've been blessed and the Glory be to God! The last referral we had was the file of a little girl and her situation broke my heart. There was a lot going on with her that I will not share here, but it got me down; it took the wind out of my sails.

I finally decided to give it to God. He has called us to this. He has promised He'd be with us the whole way, but why do I feel like I am swimming upstream? Why is it so hard? Why do I feel like I'm doing it alone? I've been praying Lamentations 3:22-23 lately over this. I love these verses: "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Praise God His mercies are new every morning. I sure need them every morning.

Wednesday night I went to bed discouraged. I prayed that God show me a sign that He has this under control. I asked Him to show me that doing this with Him isn't impossible, but it is possible only with Him. I told Him that I can't be in control of this, that I needed Him to work it out. Fast forward to Thursday, I was working at the church pulling supplies for Sunday morning children's ministry with Jessica (who is also adopting a baby... check out her blog here) and Jacy and I heard my phone buzzing with e-mails. I have 3 e-mail addresses forwarded to my blackberry, so I didn't think anything of it. After lunch, I decided I would check those from my phone before heading home and I saw the words I "Waiting Children-New Referrals". Oh, Praise You, Jesus! I drove home, flew through my door and plopped down in front of the computer to open my e-mails as quickly as I could. There were 5 new children: 2 of them girls that we have a few questions about. We are requesting another file of a little girl. We want to take it one at a time, so we decided to start with the one that we had the fewest questions about.

TALK ABOUT AN ANSWER TO PRAYER! I am not going to get my hopes up. I am not going to start picking out baby names or decorating a room, but I am encouraged that God is faithful, God is in control and that God wants us to bring home a child that does not have a mommy and a daddy. Jesus said: "I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!'

Please continue to pray for us as we pursue this adoption. God is faithful and we're praising Him that His mercies are new every morning!

~paula

P.S. I couldn't resist sharing this pic. of my boys "Working Out" the other night. They must be getting buff for the arrival of their sister!

April Update

We decided to not go to committee for the little girl who's file we had. It was hard on me. Really. Really. HARD. The flood of guilt of saying no to a precious life, but we knew her medical needs were far greater than we could take on. We prayed for peace about the decision, prayed for a family to welcome her home quickly and we prayed for her medical needs. We prayed that God reveal His perfect plan, and the child that He wants to add to our family.

All at the same time, Michael's grandmother was placed in hospice and we were called to say our final goodbyes. We were told she wouldn't make it through the weekend, but to everyone's astonishment, she is still VERY VERY weak, but is still holding on. It's been agonizing on the family. It's gone on for over a month of her in hospice. She is not making blood or platelets, has refused further treatment and her numbers are too low to actually get a good read of where they actually are. This woman is strong. She is a fighter. She is amazing. I have to say that Granny is one of my favorite people in Michael's family. She is funny, brilliant, patient and kind. I don't think I've ever seen her without a smile on her face. She has faith in the Lord and is ready to go home (well, at this point, she is PAST ready to go home and is starting to get frustrated that God hasn't taken her home yet). We will celebrate for her when she is taken to heaven to be with the Lord, but we will cry for what we are losing. She is incredible. Her sickness and being put in hospice has been hard on us, even 3 hours away... especially because we are 3 hours away.


My boys, Robert and Andrew are at 2 different schools. Andrew goes to "preschool" that is 2 days a week from 9:30-2:30. It's what some would consider a "mother's day out". It is amazing and we love it. Robert is in Kindergarten at a private christian school and it's one of the best in the city. I'd actually say it IS the best in the city. We love it too and this year has been great for him! Juggling the schedules of 2 kids at two different schools and trying to keep my head above the water has been hard especially while trying to deal with work, pursuing adoption, completing paperwork, the start of t-ball and baseball practices for the season, volunteering at our AWESOME church, and a billion other responsibilities that we have as parents has pushed me to my limit. I love my life, make no mistake about it! I wouldn't change this busy life for the world, but who, this girl is worn out!

Add to everything that is going on, we have decided to homeschool Robert next school year. There is a lot involved in that decision, but let's just say that God doesn't like me to be comfortable. He likes to keep me on my toes. We are excited about this new adventure. In some ways it will increase my work here, but in lots of ways: it will simplify our lives. We're looking forward to turning the playroom into our school room and begin our learning at the Sloan Academy. I think Timmy (our cat) will be our mascot.

So, that about catches us up on where we are. I have to admit that for about 2 weeks after deciding to say "no" to that particular child, I couldn't talk about it. Not to anyone. I dug myself in a hole and refused to come out. I was in a real funk about the whole thing and I couldn't even bring myself to look at the Holt website; the wound was too open. It hurt too much. Seeing those faces of those children was too much for me. I'm just now getting back to checking my e-mail daily, checking the Holt site daily for updates and I'm ready to begin this again.

Here's a couple pictures from a recent visit to the Memphis Zoo! I can't wait to take our baby girl there. Our zoo is awesome and the boys love it and I know she will too!